you cause cancer
by sheriff stilinski
Summary: Things I wish I said to a boy. DominiqueLysander


Title: you cause cancer

Summary: Things I wish I said to a boy. DominiqueLysander

Author's Note: OKAY WOW this is so personal I want to cry. I love this couple. I wrote this in an hour. I'm going to crawl under a rock now.

/

You caught me smoking a cigarette in Sixth Year.

I got mad because I thought I was being sneaky. I got mad, I'm sorry I yelled, even still. I got mad because you smelled of autumn. I got mad because you drank Firewhiskey for the first time that year and didn't meet my eyes, even when you were tripping over yourself and making a right muck of yourself and I was there to catch you. I got mad because I tried to be a good person for so many years and this was my vice and you're so fucking dumb and all you said was AGUAMENTI and I was in love with you again.

I got mad because you were a tall boy with dark eyes and dark hair and you sang Muggle songs underneath your breath that we used to play on the radio and you had only said one word to me in two years and it was to teach me a lesson and I always was a sucker for boys like you. THAT'S NOT FAIR, which is what I yelled at you. THAT'S NOT FAIR. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT TOOK FOR ME TO GET THAT ONE CIGARETTE. THOSE THINGS ARE EXPENSIVE.

I got mad because you started to laugh and I remembered all those times when I'd say silly things at the dinner table at family gatherings (I SAY THESE THINGS TO MAKE YOU LAUGH, I told you once) and you would laugh. I got mad because you weren't very attractive. I got mad because I wanted you to say my name like you did underneath the willow tree outside my house, when you still thought I was nice.

When you kissed me and we tangled our limbs in the dirt and you smelled of autumn even though it was summer and hot and your shirt was damp from the humidity and James throwing you into the lake. When your right hand cupped my thigh and you said, I ALWAYS KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. When I wondered how long you thought about this exact moment and all the different ways it would go or how it would happen or the exact degree your face would tilt into mine. When you pretended that two months constituted you being older than me because you were in a different Year. When you slid your tongue into my mouth and I knew two months didn't make you more experienced but I didn't care. When I threw caution to the wind. When I put my hands up your shirt and felt what years of climbing trees and looking for imaginary creatures did to your body. When I wouldn't dare think of being here, yelling at you.

Yelling at you, because I missed you and that's what that cigarette meant. Yelling at you, because you're vermin and I hate you.

Yelling at you, because I wanted you to be all those other boys that pushed up my skirts and said my name and told me I was beautiful or special. Yelling at you, because I told them to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KISS ME and that's what I told you, right there when I was drenched in your charmed water.

And then I said, SORRY, FORCE OF HABIT. And then, I said, ARE YOU JUST GOING TO STAND THERE?

And you stood there. And you stood there and you looked at me and you were wearing your Head Boy's badge and pretended those two months made you better than me. And you stood there and touched your lip with your thumb, fingers curling around your nose, and you looked at the cigarette I had dropped on the floor.

THOSE THINGS CAUSE CANCER, you said, after a time.

After a time, I opened my mouth to say AND YOU DO TOO, but there you were, turning away (FUCKING TURNING AWAY LIKE I WAS DIRT, I opened my mouth to say), robes puffing out behind you, so I could see your plaid socks. So I could see your plaid socks and remember that awful plaid shirt you wore underneath the willow tree and wanting to unbutton it and cocoon myself in you and that awful plaid shirt. So I could see your plaid socks and say your name.

I said your name because I wanted you to turn around. I said your name because you think you're so much better than me because I was born two months later than you – you were premature, you and Lorcan. I said your name because we even had the same due date, you annoying fuck.

I said your name because I was remembering a time when we were both fourteen and we were sitting in beach chairs at the Burrow and you were telling me about some new exploration you were going to take with your mum and I realized all I wanted to do was kiss you. I was remembering a time that all I wanted in the entire universe was to kiss you, instead of this – me wanting you to turn around.

And you turned back around because you were sad for me. You turned back around because you pitied me because you had a girlfriend and she was Head Girl and she would never be caught smoking cigarettes in an empty corridor late at night, screaming at some boy who kissed her once and never laughed at another joke of hers or told her she was beautiful or said her name in that goddamn way. You turned back around because there was a part of you that remembered when you said I ALWAYS KNEW.

You turned back around because you picked up the cigarette butt and asked me for one.

You asked me for one, so I stuck a cigarette in my mouth and lit it for you, behind the curtains of the empty corridor, because part of me has always wanted to kiss you forever.

I HOPE YOU KNOW THIS ISN'T PEER PRESSURE, I said, handing you the cigarette.

You rolled your eyes, because you always knew. You always knew you would be back here, hidden away with me, so you stuck the cigarette in your mouth and inhaled.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME, you said.

YEAH, I replied, already making my way toward you. Your eyes are doing that thing where they light up – stop that. BUT YOU ALWAYS KNEW.


End file.
